People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world your best and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It never was between you and them anyway.
-Mother Teresa

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Thoughts

I was getting ready for bed and I just kept having these thoughts go through my head and I had to get them out. It's really not that interesting or life altering.....just thoughts.


I love my blog. My blog, my little corner of the world where I can let myself out. I try to use it as a sort of journal, letting some of the best and funnier moments of my life shine forth. I paint lovely, pretty pictures of my darling girls (which they are), and exclaim how wonderful my life is (which it is). I don't like to put negative things on here because I think manure repells people, even me, to my own manure pile. Having kids is hard enough when you dwell on it. So I paint pretty pictures to help me focus on the good aspects of being a mother.

However, I have to get these thoughts in my head out and "on paper" so to speak. I read other people's blogs about how much they love being mothers and I wonder where I missed the train. The day to day stuff is boring, hard, and monotanous. Those mother's must love their kids more than I love mine. It would be a lie if I said that I loved being a mother. Don't get me wrong....I LOVE my girls, but I'm not head over heels in love with being a mother.

I don't love waking up multiple times in the night, just to have to wake up early and not get a nap during the day to make up for it.

I don't love changing poopy diapers (or underwear for that matter).

I don't love trying a dozen different things before I figure out that Regan wants turkey meat and pickles for breakfast.

I don't love picking up the same messes day after day.

I don't love being a referee between the girls.

I don't love not being able to do things that I want to do.

I don't love trying to entertain the girls to keep them happy day after day.

I don't love cleaning up lipstick, pen, marker, vaseline, you name it, all over eachother and everything (like our new couch).

I don't love disciplining.

I don't love to hear whining.

I don't love wrestling the kids through church.

I don't love looks the girls give me like I've just broken their hearts.

I don't love seeing them sick or in pain.

I don't love being with them all day, caring for them all day, and doing pretty much everything for them all day, for them to favor their daddy over me.

I don't love the guilt that comes from wondering if I'm doing a good enough job.


I love moments of being a mother.

I love when Sophie kisses me and makes the "muah" sound.

I love when Regan sings with me.

I love watching them hug and kiss eachother.

I love hearing Regan scream that Sophie is climing the stairs and then go get Sophie and see a triumphant look on her face.

I love watching them dance.

I love looking at them while they are asleep.

I love watching them discover something new.

I love doing Regan's hair (when she lets me).

I love looking at their smiling faces and thinking that they are the most beautiful children alive.

You know, it seems that the cons outweigh the pros. I mean how does a little dance hold up to poop smeared all over the bathtub mutliple times? Or barf, food, pee, and pen all over the new couch? Yet somehow in this crazy world............it does. The world continues to be populated. Families continue to grow. We will have more children (not this minute mind you).

I guess in all my rambling, I really want my girls to look back when they are mother's and realize that some of the same things they are feeling and going through are normal. I want them to know and understand that I truly do love them and want all things good for them. I am new at this motherhood thing and most of the time I just pray that I get it right.....that what I'm doing is going to help them. Isn't that the common bond that links mothers together? The hope that what you are doing will make a difference and help your child reach their full potential? So maybe I am a real mother and not just a faker like I've felt for a long time. Maybe I do rank up with those mothers that have that same goal in mind. Maybe I didn't miss the train, I'm just on the caboose and trying to get my bearings. Maybe....just maybe.

18 comments:

Catherine said...

Thanks for keeping it real for all of us moms. I've always admired your honesty, Kristal. When we talked a little while ago about this same subject, I got off the phone and felt so understood. I know I'm not alone when I feel these same things.

PS) I think you're a great mom!

KaNdRa and JaReD said...

Well, I think you are a great mom. I don't really understand (yet) but hopefully when I am a mom and things get rough, I wil be able to ask you for advice. Don't be too hard on yourself. I just look back at how I acted sometimes(and still do) and had taken Mom for granted, but they will eventually look back and be gratefull for all that you have done for them. And you have to remember, girls are usually daddy's girls so when you have a boy, mostly likely he will be a MOMMA'S boy!

Kelly said...

Amen Sista! There are some days when I'm like "Whew - I did good today. It was a good day. I accomplished some things, played with Eva and I think made her feel loved and didn't get extremely bored." And then there are days where it's "today sucked, I'm a loser. At least I have tomorrow to do better."

You're an awesome person and an awesome mom. Don't feel alone.

Jason said...

I knew you would be the best mom.

Ashley said...

KRISTAL! I called Eric crying about this VERY thing just yesterday afternoon and I couldn't put it into words. This is it. Honestly, this post was SO good for me to read. Thank you for your honesty.

Keep on truckin'

Call me, we should go to the splash pad in town!

Ashley said...

oh, and Jason is so sweet....

C&A Hensley Family said...

Hi Krystal, I love this blog. You are so right when you say you don't love all those things. They are so hard and to wake up everyday to do them is rough. It made me feel better becuase I don't feel alone. Keep enjoying the fun things about being a mom.

JaredandKatie said...

That was such an honest blog... LOVE IT!! That's a great pic of you and your girls too.

Kathi & Ronnie Bishop said...

Well said! Love the picture of you and the girls! SO so cute!

JaredandKatie said...

I'm 30 weeks. I'm due the end og August. I hope I can last that long!!!

Jason & Kelli West said...

Kristal what kyou have done with your girls is amazing. I don't have kids, but i see what your saying. Being a mom has it's highs and lows just like anything in life. I don't think it's suppose to be too easy! lol...it's good that you are so honest! Oh, and yeah I had fun at my service aution and won some yummmy cinnamon bread, and some other yummy stuff. You are so sweet. when are you guys planning on moving up?

Jason & Kelli West said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Dawna Greer said...

Kristal, I enjoyed both your blog and the comments that others have made. You're feelings are no different than what every other full time mom has felt. Life is hard but its the little funny, good things that happen that make you feel its worth while, when you can feel that you're making progress instead of rowing upstream. Remember what happened last year when you were feeling like Regan didn't love you, only Jason and so you stayed in Heber an extra week and Jason took Regan home. She was totally miserable and cried and cried, going from room to room looking for you. As I said, mothers are like wallpaper or windows, just there, not appreciated until they're not around. I'm sure that you and your sisters think more about your mother now that you're one than you ever did growing up. I appreciate and admire all you patiently do for your precious little girls. Its worth it. Love Mom

Kristin said...

Kristal, You just became my favorite blog!!! Actually you already were! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!! I totally have those days, and lately it has been everyday (being a near single mom with this dang program). I too try to focus on the positive when I write my blog (and there is a lot of positive), but reading this made me realize that it is good and healing for so amny people when you just open up and keep it real! Your girls will so appreciate this when they are moms and feeling like they can't measure up to the kind of mom you were to them! I love you! move here K!

Skousen Seven said...

Kris, I felt and still do feel those feelings you have. Don't beat yourself up when things don't seem just right. You are an AWESOME mom! Regan and Sophie beam when they see you.
One word of advise-- Don't forget who Kristal is, take time for yourself. Even if its for a little while. It makes a big difference and gives that little extra boost to being a great mom.
I love you

Brandon & Keia Blake said...

you guys will be building soon and I'm sure you will have more money to do it with then we do!!! I'm freaking out about the payment!!

Michael & Jessica Dahlquist said...

I came to your blog via paige? i think. But I feel so understood with this post. I'm right there with ya. Something about juggling two kids makes it so much easier to feel overwhelmed, short of patience, and tired of the whining kiddies.
But I know I don't love them any less. There are a lot of things about motherhood that I don't love either, but just like you there are moments that I absolutely cherish and treasure.
I'm glad I'm not the only one out there with these feelings that motherhood is not all bliss.

Becky said...

Kristal, that could have been me writing all that. I totally understand - and have to wonder about all the people who talk like their children are so perfect that they don't even poop or ever act up... I would say to have something to look forward to all the time, whether it's a date with your hubby, or a vacation down the road or whatever. That helps to keep the bad moments from taking over. You are awesome!