People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world your best and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It never was between you and them anyway.
-Mother Teresa

Monday, November 30, 2009

I Hate This Part

I hate having to say it out loud...to even type it out loud......sending it out there to the universe, because once it is out there the bad dream is no longer a bad dream. You know that it is not something crazy you just invented. It becomes real. Maybe it really is a bad dream right now. Maybe I'm having an out of body experience. But I know once I type those words and press send that it will become reality. My baby died. There I said it. It really is happening for the 4th time. I can't believe it. I was so positive about this one. I really felt things were going to work out this time.

Well, now I can craft again. Now my feet will quit being cold. Now I will hopefully stop throwing up. Now I will gain some energy back. But even these feeble attempts at making myself feel better doesn't make me feel better. I really wanted that baby. I could really see myself hauling three kids around. You'd think it would get easier after having delt with it 3 other times. I'm not really trying to fish for sympathy right now....I hate to make this kind of stuff public, but I guess I did need to print a retraction from my last blog post. It's like telling people you are going to be the main part in a production and then when you've got everyone's attention you pee your pants and fall on your face when trying to run away. I hate that. I just needed to get my thoughts out of my head before I go mad. It still feels sort of surreal. This day threw me a curve ball and I got blind-sided by it. Sorry to have posted the last post and then this one.

15 comments:

JaredandKatie said...

Kristal, I feel your pain. I have had to say those words as well and I know how much it hurts. My prayers are with you.

DKAZ said...

Kristal! I'm so sorry for you and Jason. What a tough, tough thing. You are in our prayers...we love you all!

Wardleclan said...

I can't relae b/c I've never had that happen but I'm so sorry and can't imagine how much that hurts!

Ashley said...

Oh Kristal, I am so sorry and will be praying for you. I wish I was there to give you a big hug!

carrie said...

So sorry! I'm sure heavenly father will bless you and your family through this trial. Take care, it will get better!

KaNdRa and JaReD said...

Don't be sorry for writting your last post! Friends/sisters are suppose to be there through the good times and the rough right?

I was thinking that when you meet your maker you will also be greeted by 4 special spirits that are waiting to meet their Momma. Think about that. I know it doesn't help the pain now, but it's a start.
Love ya sis.

The Gurney Family said...

I have to tell you..that what Kandra said came to my mind as I was reading your post. Maybe in some way you are luckier than others. You get to continue motherhood in Heaven! Those spirits are so lucky to have you. I am always here.

The Prewitts said...

Kristal-
I am soooo sorry. I just experience the same thing. I was 10 weeks and 4 days when I lost my baby. There isn't anything anyone can say that will make things better. Sometimes the sympathy makes it worse. Just know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love, Shana

Bloggin It said...

Kristal, I am sooo devestated for you. I can't say that I know what you are going through, but I know what it feels like to find out you are pregnant and have an instant connection to that baby. It doesn't matter if you carry it for 9 months or 9 minutes. The connection is there. We will keep your sweet family in our prayers. Kiss your beautiful girls for us. :)

The Bishop Family said...

You shouldn't feel sorry for you last post! You didn't do anything wrong. I hope things get better for you!!!

Heather said...

I'm so, so sorry! I have no idea how painful this must be. I hope you're feeling better pysically soon. I love you girl!

Amber S said...

So very sorry Kristal! We love you and our prayers are with you...

frank said...

You are a special lady and a very good mom. I see this when ever you are around us. I know that it is hard to see for your self at times but someday you will see the influence you have on your family and say I did do something right. Hang in there and know we love you DAD

thewaites said...

Kristal, even though I already knew about it, your words and and the thoughts of those that love you have tears streaming down my face. It is incomprehensible the love a mother feels for her child instantaneously. It doesn't require sight or touch. But that love is there! And it is heartrenching when it is taken from you! I am so very sorry.

Your dad is right! You are an amazing woman and an incredible mother! I feel so very blessed to know you and call you my dear friend! I have been thinking of you everyday and I want you to know how very much I love you and your beautiful family! You are all in our thoughts and prayers!

Brittney Anderson's Fam said...

Kristal I am sooo sorry. I never know what to say to some one, sorry is all I can say. I hope you feel better soon and we will keep your family in our prayers. Is so hard when you want something so bad and you have no control over it. Love you guys.