Honest

To be honest, I really haven't felt like blogging.  I have a hard time thinking about what to blog about lately because the overwhelming and ever present thing in my life is the fact that my mom is going down hill rapidly and will all to soon be gone, and that is not something I like to face by blogging about it.  I don't know why but this week has been a hard one for me.  I miss my mom.  It is so hard to see her in the state she is in now.  It is just a shell of my mom.  Not the same person that calls me a couple times a week to check up on me and care what is happening in my life.     I miss the level of interest she showed in the things I tell her.  I miss her insatiable desire to play games.  Not the mom who cares about crafting and sewing and getting outside to enjoy nature.  I don't think it would be as hard if her memory wasn't mostly gone.  I can't even have a conversation with her anymore.  She doesn't really respond and it is so hard to see her just sitting doing nothing when she was never one who could stand to just sit and do nothing.  I really feel for the families of people with dementia/alzheimer's.  
I am mourning already for the old part of my mom that's lost and I'll mourn her more when she is really gone.  I grieve now for my dad....but not like this.  He is still the same (maybe a little more grouchy:) but he is the same ole dad I used to know and love.
I am dreading having to go through my mom's stuff this summer to clean things out.  I don't want to walk into her sewing room knowing that she is not ever going to do any of this kind of stuff again.  I wanted to use her stuff with her.  She is too young to die.  I wish it were the second coming already so I could have my mom back.
Ok, sobbing over.  My friend Tiffani said it so eloquently..."until these Adjustments stop coming I guess I will just continue to put on my big girl panties and enjoy the ride."  Thanks for the reminder Tif.