People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world your best and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It never was between you and them anyway.
-Mother Teresa

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Life with a tube....

How do I put this in words that are adequate enough to describe the full spectrum of emotion one feels when inserted with a 150cm tube? IT SUCKS!!! Not adequate enough? I'll give more detail...

Imagine you have a sore throat. Not just a little tickle, or an irritation that you can ignore most of the time. This sore throat has spawned from the very depths of hell, threatening to choke you and cut you off from the very air that you breath. Strep throat......child's play. The pain reaches to my ear so I can't lay on my right side. I think they scratched my throat on the way down and it swelled and for a few days. It was all I could do not to go screaming in madness...if I could have screamed, which I doubt. I could barely talk above a whisper. Water barely made it down.

Imagine a smell that you have come to associate with nursing homes, being thrust down your nose for 19 hours a day. I have worked in nursing homes. And I do NOT like vanilla Ensure. Then you have to flush the tube every 4 hours with water so it doesn't get plugged and a new wave of nursing home floods the tube once it's reinserted.

Imagine you have a tape adhesive allergy. You wake up from the tube placing procedure and find medical tape strapping the tube to your face. Now when you get home and collect all your senses, you take the tape off and find a nice red patch where the tape had been. Brilliant. And it's still there.....over a week later. Lovely.

Imagine that the doctors don't want this tube to be pulled out, so they tie some string around the tube, pull the string around your nasal septum and come back around to the same spot and tie it off. Great thought all on it's own, but sometimes the tube gets heavy and you cannot strap this tube to your face with tape to keep it in place. If the tubing falls, or you forget how the tube limits your movement, this causes a great pull on your highly sensitive nose ring. You might say $%*&!!! (Don't imagine this part too hard, I don't want your eyes to water.)

Imagine that you still can't tolerate food by mouth and are throwing up several times a day, or in most cases dry heaving since you don't dare attempt even apple sauce, and a few inches of the tube comes up every time you do. This makes you heave more, especially when you have to shove the tube back down, hoping that it is still in your intestine and not in your stomach.

Imagine that this tube has created some gnarly, super stinky, green boogers backed up into your sinus cavity that like to drain down your throat and gag you. It is like swamp thing has checked into a nursing home.

Imagine that after a week long horrific bout of constipation because of all this "nutrition", you find that you have lost more weight (while receiving 1900 calories/day)!! Down 25 lbs and not sure if this thing is working at all!!!!

Then imagine that you go to the doctor for all this hassle and they are showing about as much sympathy as a maimed clown holding a homeless sign. Then they can't find the babies heart beat, which only makes your heart beat race, and they pull out the ultrasound machine and there you see your little baby moving around with heart beat and all. Almost 16 weeks now. Serendipitous.

For those of you who were wondering what it is like to have a feeding tube, I hope this gives a little insight. For those of you who weren't wondering.....why have you read this far?

Not sure if this post had any comic relief properties for you like it didn't for me, but this might help.....

Regan wants a brother and Sophie wants a sister. They just know I am going to have two in my tummy. During the ultrasound I said, "See girls, there is only one baby in there." Sophie replies, "Let's just pretend there are two, ok mama?" Hahaha

Regan asked me if I wanted a girl or a boy. I said it didn't matter, I would love a girl or a boy. Knowing she wanted a brother I asked if she would love the baby if it were a girl. She thought for a minute and said yes. Then I asked Sophie if she would love the baby if it were a boy. She pretty much immediately said no, only a girl. I told Regan that if we were having a boy, she would get ALOT of baby holding time since Sophie wouldn't want to hold a boy. Sophie pipes in, "Umm I think I like girls and boys." Hahahaha.......thought so.


KaNdRa and JaReD said...

Oh geez. SO glad you get something at the end of this and it isn't something perminant. I really hope you start getting some relief. Just tell yourself...It is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it!

Skousen Seven said...

I agree with Kandra!! You were terribly missed at the wedding, but I hope you have been able to get some rest:) I love you and hope things get better soon, and you can get that @$@%#%#% nose ring out of you!!!!

The Colvins said...

Kristal, I love ya girl, what can I say more. You make me laugh! P.S. I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you :)

The Merrills said...

Holy cow, you're a trooper!

Aunt Tiff said...

I am so sorry! Hang in there!!!

Heather said...

Oh bleh Kristal! I never had a feeding tube but during my back surgery I did have a breathing tube and the soar throat from that was horrible...and I never was concious while it was in! I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this. At least when your baby whines at you in later years that you don't love them you can cackle and discribe the misery you went through just to get them here! ;) You're girls are so funny! Love you all. You're in my prayers that you can stop losing weight and everyone will be healthy!

Ashley said...

Kristal, I am so excited for you to be having another little miracle. I hope it goes quickly for you. You are such a trooper and the very definition of self-less sacrifice.

frank.greer said...

Hang in there Kris. you are a trooper in all that comes your way. We love you and hope and pray for you and for your good health for you and the baby. Love Dad

Brock and Rachel said...

Bless your heart!!! I've been praying for you and anxiously waiting to hear how you were doing since last time I talked to you was over a month ago! For crap sake I need to check the blog list more! I totally missed the boat on this one! I'm extremely excited for you and your new little one :) You are absolutely amazing and still my idol! Love you!

The Waites said...

Wow, Kristal!! There are no words. I cannot even imagine your challenges and sacrifices right now. Thankfully you want this baby with all your heart and you know it will all be worth it in the end, but that doesn't take away the misery now. One thing I have so say is, you have always had such a delightful sense of humor. Thank goodness Heavenly Father blessed you with the ability to find humor in just about every situation! It has got to come in handy know. I love ya! I love your beautiful, fun girls! You are a trooper and you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope this is all a short lived trial and you can just get to the good stuff! =)